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September 20th, 2007

Week Two 


1. 7/7, have been dilligent on public transit, and during the slow mornings.
2. Artist date was... well I got to fly a plane.... see my LJ for details.
3. Went on a hike/walk on Sunday (I know one day late). Very nice. Didnt think enough though. I need to learn to just be. Its like I always have to be doing something.
4. Got 200 dollars worth of overdraft charges, a friend of mine passed away... have been working ungodly hours and I havent been getting enough recreational excercise. Debating on taking a yoga class.. might joint the YMCA... I believe it is on the train line.... and then pick times I will go and that is IT I go that time every week. No more no less because I have a tendancy to take things to a level that is way over done.... or underdone. I need to find a middle ground.

I am not gonna post this weeks tasks just because they ended up getting a little personal and this is a public arena. names mentioned and all.

September 17th, 2007

1. How many day's this week did you do your Morning Pages?

I'm getting better but I'm still BAAAAAD. I'm sorry to say, I only completed them one time. I still come up with a thousand and one excuses as to why I can't do them that day. I'll to be more conscious of this effort in the coming week.

2. Did you do your Artist's Date this week?

Yes, once again, I did not get this done. I will strive for a better result next week.

3. Did you get out on your Weekly Walk?

No. Grrrr. A trend is emerging.

4. Were there any other issues this week that felt significant to you in your self-discovery?"

Thse exercises have shown me that there is still a core desire to act locally. When I first set out to be a professional actor, my original goal was to act in local theatre. The nature of the business steered me toward film acting which was a form of prostitution since it offered little outlet for my real desire motivated by the frigging almighty dollar.

I find as I contemplate that old goal re-examined is that I am frightened off by financial 'realities'.

Or have I changed? Is film a legitimate goal and is being constantly demeaned in this industry an acceptable cost of my continued participation?

I feel a bit lost at this point because I feel I am losing touch with my creative desires. Can Julia help me embolden myself to avoid the pitfalls of normalcy or is it already too late?

September 16th, 2007

Week 2 Task 4

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1. If it weren't so foolish, I'd love to try improvisational acting.
2. If it weren't so expensive, I'd love to own a theatre.
3. If I were twenty-one again, I would let myself study acting
4. If I could take the next five years off, all expenses paid, I'd study acting and writing.
5. If it weren't so nuts, I'd love to try mounting a stage production, directing and acting in it.
6. If I gave in to my secret dream, I would let myself run and operate a small theatre.
7. If I'd had ideal parents and a perfect childhood, I'd be an actor with a much bigger resume
8. The dream I have never told anyone is fronting a big band singing music.
9. The artist I admire and think I am a lot like is *
10. The artist I secretly look down on because I have more talent is *

*I can't answer these questions. Not honestly. I don't know HOW to answer them. I am my own person. I do not think I am like anyone else, nor do I look down on anyone else because they are not me.

Week 2 Task 3

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1. I wish I had a source of income I could rely on.
2. I wish I had more auditions and the ability to go to them
3. I wish I ate better
4. I wish I could lose weight
5. I wish I had more contacts to get me further ahead in this acting business
6. I wish I had some new clothes
7. I wish I had new shoes
8. I wish I had a music recording capability
9. I wish I could get past my block (which is my self) to write
10. I wish I could sleep more normally
11. I wish I could get around Vancouver more easily
12. I wish I knew what I really wanted
13. I wish I could meditate without getting antsy
14. I wish I could play guitar more competently
15. I wish I had more money
16. I wish I had a hybrid or an electric car
17. I wish I could go on a vacation somewhere tropical
18. I wish I had a scanner
19. I wish I had a new bigger microwave to replace my old one which just died.
20. I wish I could cook more interesting meals that doesn't take a microwave to make.

Week 2 Task 2

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1. If I let myself admit it, I think I have a secret gift for directing.
2. If I weren't afraid, I'd tell myself to try singing professionally.
3. As my own best friend, I would really cheer if I saw myself try an open mike.
4. The compliment I received that seemed too good to be true was that I should be singing at a night club.
5. If I acted on that compliment, I would let myself try developing a singing stage act.
6. The best person to cheer me on in my secret identity is (I don't know)
7. The person I should carefully not tell my dream is T.
8. The tiniest realistic step I could take in my dreamed direction is go to an open mike.
9. The hugest step I could take in my dreamed-of direction is creating a theatrical company
10. The step I am able to take that feels about right to me is to approach an existing stage company and asking how I could participate.

Week 2 Task 1

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1. When I was a small child, I dreamed of growing up to be a zoologist.
2. In my childhood, my interest in what art was encouraged? The drum. I hated the drum.
3. In my childhood, my interest in what art was discouraged? None
4. If I had more encouragement, I would have probably tried acting.
5. The teacher who helped me see my gifts was Mrs. Gray, my grade 5 teacher. She cast me as Linus in A Charlie Brown's Christmas.
6. The childhood friend who helped me see my gifts was my old buddy Brian. He tried anyway.
7. If I had another life, the art form I would start exploring early is acting.
8. The reason it is too late for me in this lifetime is that I can't afford to pursue it anymore.
9. The one action I can take in the direction of my childhood love is nothing.*
10 I now commit to this dream by doing nothing.*

I had no artistic dreams when I was a child. I had no concept of art. My family did not encourage any artistic pursuits other than band and the drum which I hated. Shandai seems to think my childhood games of playing pretend showed an early love of acting. I'm not sure I see it that way but I get her point.

September 9th, 2007

1. Morning Pages 5.5 out of 6. Didn't fully count 9/4 since I typed it instead of going long hand. Kinda cheating on them, counting sides as pages, since time is a valuable commodity. More of a surface laundry list than anything else. My handwriting has really deteriorated!
2. No artist date. I did dip out early on taking care of my mom to go to a Baby Days event at SuperWalmart [20 minutes out of town], where I used my "creativity" to pick out the best possible outfit from a limited selection for studio pictures. It felt like a special outing. Was not on my own though, as both my husband and baby were along. But damn it felt good to do something besides caretaking!
3. Weekly walk happened more by accident. We were having car troubles and I could not take it up to my mother's house. I called her intending to tell her I just couldn't make it, news she did not take well and told me to take a bus. The bus I took turned long before my intended stop so I had to walk the distance. The route was very familiar from growing up and there were a lot of old familiar smells of autumn and the woods near the house. I had a chance to see the difference between my current dreamscapes and the actual reality of the area. What I once perceived as a semi-long distance only took 13 minutes to cover, and 13 minutes now seemed like a very short span of time. I was disappointed when I reached the house. The walk was also very good, since I was hopping mad at my situation, and it gave me time to calm down before seeing my mom.
4. Ahh, issues. These are going to be coming up a lot.
Anger/resentment over having to take care of my mom.
Realizing how much of my identity is wrapped up in Miles right now.

I attempted a "media deprivation" last week. Kinda like the "reading deprivation" from Artist's Way, but I wanted to be able to catch up on serious, neglected reading. I've been using the internet [specifically freebie sites] and tabloids as an escape from my current stressors. These have been clogging my head and stealing time from other pursuits. However, I had a major breakdown in self-will my second day in, due to the whole car fiasco. I started the day thinking OK, I can't make it up to my mom's house, so I get to have this day to myself, to do my own things. When I ended up there, I did not want to be there and spent the entire time emmersed in the tabloids.
I will be completing a media deprivation this week, so if all goes well you won't be hearing from me until Sunday!

September 8th, 2007

1. thoughtful
2. intuitive
3. kind
4. genuine
5. honest
6. insightful
7. patient (mostly)
8. equal
9. fair
10. considerate

Personal "Ad"

Genuinely kind, honestly insightful, intuitively considerate, thoughtfully equal, and fairly patient.

Week 1 Check In

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1. How many day's this week did you do your Morning Pages?

I'm sorry to say, I did not complete them one time. I have gotten out of the habit of doing them and come up with a thousand and one excuses as to why I can't do them that day. I've obviously got to get a better handle on this for next week.

2. Did you do your Artist's Date this week?

Once again, I did not get this done. I'm terrible at doing Artist's Dates in the first place. Have to strive for a better result next week.

3. Di you get out on your Weekly Walk?

Yes. I at least did that much. I can't say I notice an improved state of well-being. I walked along down into Gastown, then back along the seawall walkway from downtown Vancouver. Beautiful as the weather was clear skies and warm with a hint of Fall in the air.

4. Were there any other issues this week that felt significant to you in your self-discovery?"

Well, this is a transition time for me so of course there were other issues.

For the past nine years, I have been almost exclusively a working actor. Most of that process means 'not working' but waiting for auditions, doing auditions and occasionally being rewarded with a role is all part of the process.

But now, I must bow to financial pressures and take work outside of the acting industry. I'm poised to take a job in the Court system in order to take advantage of my training as a lawyer. I will not return to the practise of law but this is a compromise and one which I am not entirely happy making. But I need the money. And we'll just have to see how it goes.

I will not lose my creative self. I swear not to. Not this time. Even if I am tied into a nine to five job, I plan to take writing courses, possibly take scene study acting classes. I am looking at mounting a production of Last Of The Red Hot Lovers for the spring. And my creative focus can shift to writing as a primary outlet. All these things I can do while 'making money'.
The task was to do nothing for 15 minutes. I lay on my couch with Miles Davis playing and thought about my life, where I was at the moment, what I wanted to be doing, what I hoped would happen.

The time went by quickly and would not substitute for the 20 minutes of meditation I have planned for a few minutes from now.

Was this a useful exercise? I'm not sure yet.

The Miles Davis music put a different slant on everything. It was a gift from my jazz playing nephew and I'm still discovering the mind expanding powers of jazz. It makes a break from the meditation music I usually play. Still mellow but in a different way.
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